You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
IRISH TEAM WORK
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily
briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three
Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH, NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in
hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is
a brazillion?"
Here's a dilemma for you....with all your honour and dignity what would you do?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN cameraman and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.
You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.
So, you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most
powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
WHAT A DRINKING STORY.
From the State where drinking and driving is
considered a sport, comes a true story from
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Recently a routine police
patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late
in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes
with the officer quietly observing. After what
seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his own
car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it
was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and
off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At
last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to
drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement
the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the
officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must
be broken."
I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the
designated decoy."
RONALDO APOLOGISES
Dear Red States,
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make
the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.
If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
US. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all
the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with
88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in
9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with
higher morals than we lefties.
Sincerely,
Peter Whitson Warren
_________________
GARY GLITTER ORDERS A TAKEAWAY
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.
'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first
tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving,
yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?'says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I f*cking wrote it
AUSTRALIA'S POP SENSATION
The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street
when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop "Wasp noises
from around the world". Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if
he can listen to it.
"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.
After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost
authority on wasps is a bit confused.
"I don't recognize any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost
authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track after a
while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused "No,
I still don't recognize any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"
The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority
on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.
"It's no good. I just don't recognize any of these wasps"
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says...
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're useless and we can't be bothered.
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads.
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft; you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REPUBLICAN, A DEMOCRAT AND SOUTHERNER (REPUBLICAN)
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click...(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Subject: Process Improvement
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought ourwater and utensils, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp
all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that
the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is
better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in
the restroom. By tying this string to you know what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
