A Production Manager is walking down the street and see's a frog sitting on the wall. As he walks past the frog says to him.. 'Please help me.. I'm a beautiful princess who's been cursed by an evil witch. If you kiss me I'll turn back into a princess and give you a reward..'
The production Manager looks at the frog, smiles, and puts the frog in his pocket, starts walking again.
After about 100yds, the frog starts kicking and shouting in his pocket, so he pulls it out again.. 'Please, I promise you, I'm a beautiful princess, if you kiss me I'll turn back and stay with you for a week, I'll do anything you want as a reward'
The production Manager looks at the frog, smiles, and puts the frog in his pocket, starts walking again.
A little further down the street and the frog starts screaming again. The production Manager pulls it out his pocket.. 'Please, I beg you.. if you kiss me I'll turn back into a princess.. I'd stay with you forever, doing all your domestic chores and any depraved sexual act you desire..'
The Production Manager looks at the frog... 'Look frog.. I'm a Production Manager.. I don't have a life.. I certainly don't have time for a girlfriend... but the boys in the crew will LOVE a talking frog!'
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There I was on my way to work ... Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... Wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... And then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ..
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . And that's when the fight started . .
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The Music Business is a cruel and shallow money trench,
A long plastic hallway
where thieves and pimps run free,
and good men die like dogs.
There's also a negative side.
Hunter S. Thompson
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Whats the difference between a Pig and a Rigger....
A pig wouldn't stay up all night chatting up a Rigger.
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What happens if you turn a blues record the other way around?
Bluesman's guitar gets fixed, his lady comes back home, his dog comes back to life....... And he sobers up!
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A sound guy, a backline tech and a tour manager are hanging out backstage at a gig in an old theatre and find an old lamp.
The Backline tech rubs it to shine it up and in a puff of smoke a genie appears.
"I have three wishes to grant... one each" says the genie.
The backline tech says "I wish I was on an island off Thailand with a massive pile of weed, a big reggae sound system and a hundred beautiful Thai girls all desperate for sex"
The genie clicks his fingers and the tech disappears.
The sound guy says "Right, I wish I was in the dirtiest, sleaziest techno club in Berlin with a big bag of coke, pills and speed."
The genie clicks his fingers and the sound guy disappears.
He turns to the TM and says "And what do you with for?"
The TM looks at him and says "I want those two bastards back here in ten minutes!"
Scottish Bookworms
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim
librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on
suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the
top of her glasses and says,
'Fook off, ye'll no
bring it back!'
The value of a Catholic education and a pencil
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margare t didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is the Savior?' But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret
in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.
The Nun asked her a third question.' What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted...........
Julie Andrews Turns 69
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because
it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the
road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the
road...
SARAH PALIN: Because by golly, I was gonna shoot
his sorry liberal butt for blocking my view of Russia!
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I
personally helped that little chicken to cross the road.
This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right
from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really
isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the
chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you
can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing
the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that
chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken
cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We
need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this
chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the
problem on this side of the road before it goes after the
problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on
his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is
having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so
bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his
mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he c an just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the
chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe
here is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have
access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because
he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he
walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent,
hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which
way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the
Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he
cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but
why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay!
Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why
they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with
seemingly ha rmless phrases like the other side. That
chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain
and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the
chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken
crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a
few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for
the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross
the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This
new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the
road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
When you have an I Hate My Job day,
[Even if retired you sometimes have those days]
try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
Always carry money on a Greek Toll Road
________________________________________________________
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41miles to the gallon!
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A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him,
'Have you been in the armed services?' 'Yes' he says, 'I was in the
Falklands for three years.'
The interviewer says 'That will give you extra points toward employment'
And then asks 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says 'Yes 100%... A land mine blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy 'OK. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 a. m. To 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00 a.m.'
The guy is puzzled and asks 'If the hours are from 8:00 a. m. To 4:00 p.m
Then why do you want me to come in at 10a.m.?
'This is a Council job' the interviewer replies. '
For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......
No point in you coming in for that.
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You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Scroll down for answer
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Answer:
Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.
IRISH TEAM WORK
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily
briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three
Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH, NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in
hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is
a brazillion?"
Here's a dilemma for you....with all your honour and dignity what would you do?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN cameraman and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.
You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.
So, you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most
powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
WHAT A DRINKING STORY.
From the State where drinking and driving is
considered a sport, comes a true story from
Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Recently a routine police
patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late
in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the
bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes
with the officer quietly observing. After what
seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his own
car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it
was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and
off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At
last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to
drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this
time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement
the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the
officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must
be broken."
I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the
designated decoy."
RONALDO APOLOGISES
Dear Red States,
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make
the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.
If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
US. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all
the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with
88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in
9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with
higher morals than we lefties.
Sincerely,
Peter Whitson Warren
_________________
GARY GLITTER ORDERS A TAKEAWAY
AUSTRALIA'S POP SENSATION
The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street
when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop "Wasp noises
from around the world". Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if
he can listen to it.
"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.
After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost
authority on wasps is a bit confused.
"I don't recognize any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost
authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"
The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track after a
while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused "No,
I still don't recognize any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"
The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority
on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.
"It's no good. I just don't recognize any of these wasps"
The assistant peers at the label of the record and says...
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're useless and we can't be bothered.
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads.
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft; you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REPUBLICAN, A DEMOCRAT AND SOUTHERNER (REPUBLICAN)
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click...(Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Subject: Process Improvement
A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought ourwater and utensils, I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had
spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
He explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp
all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that
the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is
better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in
the restroom. By tying this string to you know what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Who said the Germans dont have a sense of humour.........
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack? "
A duck walks into a bar...
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.
The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."
What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.
A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damn!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damn' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
